Welcome to my Dark Horizon

Monday, October 03, 2005

i was thinking after being done with work and a little bit of play on friday night. it was about 12+ am and i was again, reflecting on what i've done wrong, and why i've done wrong. and after months and years of reflecting, i finally came up with another conclusion as to why my behaviour is always to volatile and unpredictable sometimes, something which i've discussed before in the past. so here's the conclusion: i am easily excitable. put it another way, i always get this adrenaline rush within me, that makes me make decisions based on impulse, and feelings. let me state a few examples justifying my point.

whenever i look at how close the deadline is, and how much work there is left to finish, i slowly feel this build-up in my chest, and i feel this increased heart rate and breathing rate. i tend to feel very stressed and suddenly, i give up doing that thing. whenever i talk to a girl, my heart beats super fast. like for example, when i am going to meet a girl soon, my heart beats extra fast, and sometimes, i tend to say weird stuff and do weird actions. when i'm about to talk to a teacher, the same thing happens. when i'm about to announce something to the school, it happens. when i'm talking to anyone at anytime, it happens. when i see there's little time left on the clock to the end of exam, i just give in to excitement and stress.

excitement here is not referring to enthusiasm. here, it is referring to an increased heart rate, resulting in actions or thoughts that will not occur normally. and it can be harmful or detrimental to one's social behaviour. these uncontrollable actions may lead to emotional and mental stress. i'm not saying one must be ice cool all the time, and excitement is all bad. but if it's allowed to control your feelings and behaviour to the extent which you actually dont want it to go to, then i think it's bad for you. and this is the case for me, at least based on my current conclusion. so what do i do next? i try to suppress unnecessary excitement, and so far, results have been good. i don't crave for food whenever i want it, i don't play comp games when the timing is wrong, and i dont stumble or stutter when i speak. in fact, i slow down and think more carefully. no, i don't think more. in fact, i think the same amount, or maybe less, because i realised i can think better, more effectively, more all-roundedly (if there is such a word) if i slow down and dont get excited easily. it has been hard, because i feel stress on my chest sometimes, but when im doing the things i want it to be done, i get a sense of satisfaction, and the feeling that im heading down the right path, finally. i'm trying my best to sustain through this period, because during the early periods, it always gets tough. but when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. let me weather this mini storm, and ride out the waves and winds a better person.

Entered The Dark Horizon At [11:13 PM]

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Friday, September 09, 2005

i suddenly realized i haven't been blogging here for quite a while. i want to write about something, but i just feel i dont have much to say...

maybe i can think of something...

this week has been mainly doing holiday homework, conducting interviews for the future cec council, and revising for higher chinese prelims. my prelims been quite on task...and i have a comprehensive plan on how to deal with the higher chinese 'o's. if everything goes on well, the first three sections of the paper should be able to be completed easily. also, i've been having chinese tuition recently, been practising my compo and stuff... ...really hope to get an A in higher chinese 'o's.

my mum has been down with lots of work recently. million dollars worth of projects. she's currently opening a school which conduct many different courses catering to different needs. there are golf course, marketing courses, chinese language courses and so on. she's also busy preparing my old 5-storey house for rental. the house will be rented out to a company. the company will house many of their workers there (it's sort of a service apartment la). she's also busy with a million dollar insurance project with a huge company. and another project with a so-called rich tycoon. mum is really down with a lot of work. and in these few days, she is going to move house to somewhere near my old home, in the chinatown of jakarta. and she has no personal secretary. she only has different secretaries handling the different types of work. how much can you expect from indonesia-born-and-bred secreatries. definitely not to the level high enough to provide my mum with effective help. that's why there's always a joke going around -- that i have to quickly finish my university studies and help my mum as soon as possible. well...i don't know about that...

let me tell you what goes on in my mind every morning i wake up...

(in random order)
1. interclass soccer formation. hmm...which tactic should my class adopt when we face this team? and who should play?
2. which jc courses should i take? what would KI really be like arh? it sounds quite scary know...
3. should i drop rugby for students council. hey...soccer sounds better actually...
4. should i move house? where...? rafflesia? how is life staying alone going to be different from staying here?
5. ok. so what's the agenda for today?

haha...what an agenda for my brain. and by the time i finish with number 5, i would be just done with my shower (:

okay so now i'm actually trying to study chinese. create zao jus for all the words in the shou ce, excluding those that are totally insignificant. but till last night, i realized i haven't been able to focus properly. when i recall the times when i would lock myself in a room to study for PSLE, i was super focussed. althought i fell asleep while studying, i was much more focussed than now, when i'll get distracted by some thoughts once in a while. but it seems i've been doing better today. so keep it up! i will do well for the common test and chinese 'o's!

ciaos~

Entered The Dark Horizon At [9:53 PM]

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Wednesday, August 24, 2005

got a nice but dark-looking pencil box from mq two days ago. its those big big ones, quite trendy. but it doesnt suit me at all. neither the colours nor the size. it costs around 20 bucks. what a rip-off.

i slept in the evening. and actually, it feels better sleeping in the evening and then doing work later. seems quite refreshing. maybe i should do more of this to see whether it really works. hmm.

i was talking to chin ee after birthday dinner last friday. and we were discussing about the dinner, about work, about me and a bit about him. and i finally sorted out why i always think. always driven by emotions. and why im so imginative (i included this). now for a bit of my old stories. as i mentioned before in the past, i used to get beaten or scolded here even for the slightest of all mistakes or habits. whenever i try to argue, i'll be thrown back by further scoldings. as i have no one to consult, i alwys try to think of ways to get around the scolding the next time, and i will always try to remind myself never to do that small small mistake again. but often, it keeps on occuring so i get scoldings and beatings quite often. maybe twice, thrice a week. most of the time it tends to get on my nerves. but i cannot fight back. otherwise punishment will be doubled. so i can only ren. but most of the time i still fight back even though i know i will just die off. this shows emotions > thinking.

whenever im doing work on my table, i also tend to daydream. i will imagine this soldier and another soldier fighting on the table, when there are just books and stationary on the table. i think of this guy jumping here and there, and imagine the scene as though its real. i imagine on the floor, soccer players kicking the ball here and there...and GOAL! one person scored. so as i keep on imagining things every single day, i make it into a habit, and a skill.

and why do i think. partly bcos it gives me sense of security, and also partly bcos i can imagine well, and thinking goes hand in hand with imagination. pictures of what should go on, and what is going on are often conjured up whenever something crops up. and not only bcos of that, it is also because of the way i was brought up, things that i dont understand i usually try to think hard and long before i make decisiong. and this includes the social arena, and whenever i talk to girls that i feel nervous with. its quite frustrating sometimes, at times when too much thinking just feel right.

sometimes i also think of what would happen if i were to stay in a house by myself. further loneliness. more troubles that requires more thinking. and what more when theres no love. when i mention love here, i dont only refer to bgr, but also love between family members, close friends. chin ee says perhaps i need love in my life. no not crazy love, nor blind love. but the attachment that u feel to someone. one that can brighthen up the day, one that can provide emotional support and assurance. one that flows two ways. one that can last forever. one with the company that you feel comfortable with.

oh goodness its almost 1am. still have physics test to study for. anyway here's just a tentative subject combination i may go for in JC.

H2 Physics
H2 Math
H2 Econs
KI
PW

With MTL, it all add ups to 10 units, and a total of 24 hrs. maybe i'll talk Geog at H1. Or maybe not KI, but GP. Then bring in something else. maybe..

gotta go now.

Entered The Dark Horizon At [1:00 AM]

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Wednesday, August 17, 2005

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to.... ME! :)

Entered The Dark Horizon At [12:00 AM]

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Tuesday, August 16, 2005

i dont know who will ever come here again, unless u're very interested in me as a person, or u're extremely fateful to have come back to this place. but i know why im back here. i guess what kelly said was right. u cant blog too personal in joint blogs.

i sometimes wonder why do i still think of you sometimes. it has been more than 9 mths since we broke up, and 9 months should have taken away all the memories and painful thoughts and feelings. but i guess it was my first, so im still kinda stuck thinking abt u once in a while. when i see u and ur bf on the picture. i just stared and stoned for awhile, perhaps admiring the both of you as a couple. how i wished im in that place. i think i dont look as terrible in photo now as before. haha. but both of you look good together. i could never have imagined that. but after looking at it for a while, my throat began to swell. my heart began to cry. i should not feel this way. i should not and cannot. its over, and i have to take it in my stride. as i have said in the past, i always think back, on how our relationship was so incomplete, and unfulfilled. i guess whats over is over now. i wish u and david all the best. but why is david so damn tall. haha.

my birthday is on wed! and thats two days from now. i usually celebrate it with a lot of people. for example in pri 6, i invited more than 10 people and went to eat at long johns. in sec1 i invited 20 odd people to tony romas. thanks mum! sec2 was a light meal at crystal jade, as there were exams coming up. and last year, i took 10 odd ruggers to swensens for dinner. however, in each of these dinners, i had never felt the warmth that wld usually engulf the birthday boy or girl on that particular day. i think thats most probably because i hadn invited the right people, those who really cared for me and looked out for me, and those who were my real friends. but frankly speaking, i hadn had great friends till this year.

for this year's birthday treat im inviting my great friends to movie and dinner at marche and maybe ice cream later. kelly's a good friend. rucha's not v close to me but shes a nice person. the same goes for ling too. and ling was the one who had sort of matchmade me and ming? haha. kenneth's my partner for almost every project group, and is a hardworking person, an inspiration in academics in fact, and is very easy-going and has his own sense of humour. I just got to know Leck Hung better recently, and he is also very easy-going, but likes to diao people too much. sometimes i dont enough things to diao him back also. haha. chin ee is a great friend. my neighbour in class, i confide him in many things and we can talk basically about everything. chin ee is also a very very nice guy. kenneth, chin ee, and leckhung have their own weird sense of humour. i feel that i belong in their group. santa's a very honest and nice person, also the deputy head of the discipline board. no matter what i'll invite him. how can i leave him out? mq, i duno why i invited him. maybe cos if kelly's coming and if im only the link between the girls and the guys, then it'll be quite awkward. but mq has been a friend too. i used to go home with him almost every day in sec 2 and 3.

i love u guys. and i think this year's celebration will make me very happy. though its a pity ling and santa has to go early. and leck hung has to miss the movie. anyway the venue's quite posh i heard, though the serving style is quite weird. after dinner we'll go for ice cream! sounds real cool.

im gonna turn in now. im feeling extremely guilty not to have studied for geog or did my chinese compo. haiz..anyway had a great time blogging.

Entered The Dark Horizon At [12:00 AM]

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Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Hi everyone. Im opening a new blog with LeckLeck. LOL. Please relink :) Sorry for the inconvenience.

Entered The Dark Horizon At [11:26 AM]

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Monday, August 08, 2005

i've been whining in every single blog entry recently, till date. sorry. but that happens sometimes for everyone. isnt it? so today's gonna be the last time im gonna whine. before leaving all in peace for a long long time. i hope i wont break my promise after that.

i was going insane just now. i was doing stupid things. well u wont want to know what i did.

im still feeling so frustrated. so damned. so screwed. i dont use the f-word now. otherwise it'll be all f-words across the screen. i want to let go. but theres no avenue for me to do so. how do i let go? being stuck in such a house????? being stuck with so much hmwk??? with datelines all drawing near??? this is the only avenue. but its not effective enough. i still need to throw up all i need to throw. shit. where can i do that?

i seriously feel very lonely. f%*$ that sounds like what a girl wld say!??! but i really do. feel. damn. lonely. many boys nowadays have emotional problems. not like in the past, when boys are whipped and whacked until they become stiff. hardened. boys are not superheroes. we cant be emotionally stable without being let or taught how to. well i think im one of those boys classified above. since ever i came to singapore. ive been fending for myself. whenever i felt down, or when i was wronged, or when i felt terribly frustrated, or when i needed help, I CHEER MYSELF UP. actually no. initially i wld torture myself. do stupid things which u wldn want to know. but later on, as i grew older i would give myself REFLECTION LESSONS. i like talk to myself. IWAN. THINGS WILL TURN OUT FOR THE BETTER. MAYBE THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE. YOU ARE ALWAYS WRONG. SO U MUST LEARN FROM IT. u think i like it? no! godamn no. i reflect for myself. i assure myself. i teach myself values. i challenge myself. i push myself in whatever i want to do. sometimes i push too hard i break down. what to do?? each person have their limits at particular stages. whats right whats wrong. i decide for myself. everything its ME ME ME. I DO ALL FOR MYSELF! sometimes people think im proud or dominating. cmon. see for yourself whats the real me. i only want whats best for everyone. but why am i always doing everything by myself?? OH. MAYBE THE SCHOOL CLE PROGRAMME WILL HELP ME. what bullSHIT. oh. u have friends around u. OH. HOW MUCH THEY KNOW ABOUT ME? LOL!!

perhaps im too emotional. u can just read this and throw away what u have read.

i dont know if god will guide me. cos i havent given my heart to Him yet. but i dont want that as a solution. no. no god as a solution. at least not now. but SOMEBODY. SAVE ME WOULD YOU.

or even maybe. im just lovesick. interpret it in any way u wld like to. but dont post things like...relax iwan. chill. everything will turn out for the better. of cos i know. u dun need to tell me. bcos in the end i will tell myself to be optimistc before i go back to normal.

lol. i must be dreaming.. what am i typing..

Entered The Dark Horizon At [12:01 AM]

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About Me

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Name: Iwan Kurniawan
Nicknames: :)
Birthday: 17 Aug
School: RI
Commitments: Rugby, CEC Council, Morrison Horoscope: Leo
Born In: Jakarta
Staying In: Singapore

Favourite Sports: Soccer, Basketball, Rugby, Floorball
Socer Team: Arsenal
Basketball Team: San Antonio Spurs
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