Welcome to my Dark Horizon

Monday, October 03, 2005

i was thinking after being done with work and a little bit of play on friday night. it was about 12+ am and i was again, reflecting on what i've done wrong, and why i've done wrong. and after months and years of reflecting, i finally came up with another conclusion as to why my behaviour is always to volatile and unpredictable sometimes, something which i've discussed before in the past. so here's the conclusion: i am easily excitable. put it another way, i always get this adrenaline rush within me, that makes me make decisions based on impulse, and feelings. let me state a few examples justifying my point.

whenever i look at how close the deadline is, and how much work there is left to finish, i slowly feel this build-up in my chest, and i feel this increased heart rate and breathing rate. i tend to feel very stressed and suddenly, i give up doing that thing. whenever i talk to a girl, my heart beats super fast. like for example, when i am going to meet a girl soon, my heart beats extra fast, and sometimes, i tend to say weird stuff and do weird actions. when i'm about to talk to a teacher, the same thing happens. when i'm about to announce something to the school, it happens. when i'm talking to anyone at anytime, it happens. when i see there's little time left on the clock to the end of exam, i just give in to excitement and stress.

excitement here is not referring to enthusiasm. here, it is referring to an increased heart rate, resulting in actions or thoughts that will not occur normally. and it can be harmful or detrimental to one's social behaviour. these uncontrollable actions may lead to emotional and mental stress. i'm not saying one must be ice cool all the time, and excitement is all bad. but if it's allowed to control your feelings and behaviour to the extent which you actually dont want it to go to, then i think it's bad for you. and this is the case for me, at least based on my current conclusion. so what do i do next? i try to suppress unnecessary excitement, and so far, results have been good. i don't crave for food whenever i want it, i don't play comp games when the timing is wrong, and i dont stumble or stutter when i speak. in fact, i slow down and think more carefully. no, i don't think more. in fact, i think the same amount, or maybe less, because i realised i can think better, more effectively, more all-roundedly (if there is such a word) if i slow down and dont get excited easily. it has been hard, because i feel stress on my chest sometimes, but when im doing the things i want it to be done, i get a sense of satisfaction, and the feeling that im heading down the right path, finally. i'm trying my best to sustain through this period, because during the early periods, it always gets tough. but when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. let me weather this mini storm, and ride out the waves and winds a better person.

Entered The Dark Horizon At [11:13 PM]

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Name: Iwan Kurniawan
Nicknames: :)
Birthday: 17 Aug
School: RI
Commitments: Rugby, CEC Council, Morrison Horoscope: Leo
Born In: Jakarta
Staying In: Singapore

Favourite Sports: Soccer, Basketball, Rugby, Floorball
Socer Team: Arsenal
Basketball Team: San Antonio Spurs
Rugby Team: South Africa

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