Across the sky

reflection

2005-10-03T23:13:00.000-07:00

i was thinking after being done with work and a little bit of play on friday night. it was about 12+ am and i was again, reflecting on what i've done wrong, and why i've done wrong. and after months and years of reflecting, i finally came up with another conclusion as to why my behaviour is always to volatile and unpredictable sometimes, something which i've discussed before in the past. so here's the conclusion: i am easily excitable. put it another way, i always get this adrenaline rush within me, that makes me make decisions based on impulse, and feelings. let me state a few examples justifying my point.

whenever i look at how close the deadline is, and how much work there is left to finish, i slowly feel this build-up in my chest, and i feel this increased heart rate and breathing rate. i tend to feel very stressed and suddenly, i give up doing that thing. whenever i talk to a girl, my heart beats super fast. like for example, when i am going to meet a girl soon, my heart beats extra fast, and sometimes, i tend to say weird stuff and do weird actions. when i'm about to talk to a teacher, the same thing happens. when i'm about to announce something to the school, it happens. when i'm talking to anyone at anytime, it happens. when i see there's little time left on the clock to the end of exam, i just give in to excitement and stress.

excitement here is not referring to enthusiasm. here, it is referring to an increased heart rate, resulting in actions or thoughts that will not occur normally. and it can be harmful or detrimental to one's social behaviour. these uncontrollable actions may lead to emotional and mental stress. i'm not saying one must be ice cool all the time, and excitement is all bad. but if it's allowed to control your feelings and behaviour to the extent which you actually dont want it to go to, then i think it's bad for you. and this is the case for me, at least based on my current conclusion. so what do i do next? i try to suppress unnecessary excitement, and so far, results have been good. i don't crave for food whenever i want it, i don't play comp games when the timing is wrong, and i dont stumble or stutter when i speak. in fact, i slow down and think more carefully. no, i don't think more. in fact, i think the same amount, or maybe less, because i realised i can think better, more effectively, more all-roundedly (if there is such a word) if i slow down and dont get excited easily. it has been hard, because i feel stress on my chest sometimes, but when im doing the things i want it to be done, i get a sense of satisfaction, and the feeling that im heading down the right path, finally. i'm trying my best to sustain through this period, because during the early periods, it always gets tough. but when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. let me weather this mini storm, and ride out the waves and winds a better person.

entry 966

2005-09-09T21:53:00.000-07:00

i suddenly realized i haven't been blogging here for quite a while. i want to write about something, but i just feel i dont have much to say...

maybe i can think of something...

this week has been mainly doing holiday homework, conducting interviews for the future cec council, and revising for higher chinese prelims. my prelims been quite on task...and i have a comprehensive plan on how to deal with the higher chinese 'o's. if everything goes on well, the first three sections of the paper should be able to be completed easily. also, i've been having chinese tuition recently, been practising my compo and stuff... ...really hope to get an A in higher chinese 'o's.

my mum has been down with lots of work recently. million dollars worth of projects. she's currently opening a school which conduct many different courses catering to different needs. there are golf course, marketing courses, chinese language courses and so on. she's also busy preparing my old 5-storey house for rental. the house will be rented out to a company. the company will house many of their workers there (it's sort of a service apartment la). she's also busy with a million dollar insurance project with a huge company. and another project with a so-called rich tycoon. mum is really down with a lot of work. and in these few days, she is going to move house to somewhere near my old home, in the chinatown of jakarta. and she has no personal secretary. she only has different secretaries handling the different types of work. how much can you expect from indonesia-born-and-bred secreatries. definitely not to the level high enough to provide my mum with effective help. that's why there's always a joke going around -- that i have to quickly finish my university studies and help my mum as soon as possible. well...i don't know about that...

let me tell you what goes on in my mind every morning i wake up...

(in random order)
1. interclass soccer formation. hmm...which tactic should my class adopt when we face this team? and who should play?
2. which jc courses should i take? what would KI really be like arh? it sounds quite scary know...
3. should i drop rugby for students council. hey...soccer sounds better actually...
4. should i move house? where...? rafflesia? how is life staying alone going to be different from staying here?
5. ok. so what's the agenda for today?

haha...what an agenda for my brain. and by the time i finish with number 5, i would be just done with my shower (:

okay so now i'm actually trying to study chinese. create zao jus for all the words in the shou ce, excluding those that are totally insignificant. but till last night, i realized i haven't been able to focus properly. when i recall the times when i would lock myself in a room to study for PSLE, i was super focussed. althought i fell asleep while studying, i was much more focussed than now, when i'll get distracted by some thoughts once in a while. but it seems i've been doing better today. so keep it up! i will do well for the common test and chinese 'o's!

ciaos~

reflection number 965

2005-08-24T01:00:00.000-07:00

got a nice but dark-looking pencil box from mq two days ago. its those big big ones, quite trendy. but it doesnt suit me at all. neither the colours nor the size. it costs around 20 bucks. what a rip-off.

i slept in the evening. and actually, it feels better sleeping in the evening and then doing work later. seems quite refreshing. maybe i should do more of this to see whether it really works. hmm.

i was talking to chin ee after birthday dinner last friday. and we were discussing about the dinner, about work, about me and a bit about him. and i finally sorted out why i always think. always driven by emotions. and why im so imginative (i included this). now for a bit of my old stories. as i mentioned before in the past, i used to get beaten or scolded here even for the slightest of all mistakes or habits. whenever i try to argue, i'll be thrown back by further scoldings. as i have no one to consult, i alwys try to think of ways to get around the scolding the next time, and i will always try to remind myself never to do that small small mistake again. but often, it keeps on occuring so i get scoldings and beatings quite often. maybe twice, thrice a week. most of the time it tends to get on my nerves. but i cannot fight back. otherwise punishment will be doubled. so i can only ren. but most of the time i still fight back even though i know i will just die off. this shows emotions > thinking.

whenever im doing work on my table, i also tend to daydream. i will imagine this soldier and another soldier fighting on the table, when there are just books and stationary on the table. i think of this guy jumping here and there, and imagine the scene as though its real. i imagine on the floor, soccer players kicking the ball here and there...and GOAL! one person scored. so as i keep on imagining things every single day, i make it into a habit, and a skill.

and why do i think. partly bcos it gives me sense of security, and also partly bcos i can imagine well, and thinking goes hand in hand with imagination. pictures of what should go on, and what is going on are often conjured up whenever something crops up. and not only bcos of that, it is also because of the way i was brought up, things that i dont understand i usually try to think hard and long before i make decisiong. and this includes the social arena, and whenever i talk to girls that i feel nervous with. its quite frustrating sometimes, at times when too much thinking just feel right.

sometimes i also think of what would happen if i were to stay in a house by myself. further loneliness. more troubles that requires more thinking. and what more when theres no love. when i mention love here, i dont only refer to bgr, but also love between family members, close friends. chin ee says perhaps i need love in my life. no not crazy love, nor blind love. but the attachment that u feel to someone. one that can brighthen up the day, one that can provide emotional support and assurance. one that flows two ways. one that can last forever. one with the company that you feel comfortable with.

oh goodness its almost 1am. still have physics test to study for. anyway here's just a tentative subject combination i may go for in JC.

H2 Physics
H2 Math
H2 Econs
KI
PW

With MTL, it all add ups to 10 units, and a total of 24 hrs. maybe i'll talk Geog at H1. Or maybe not KI, but GP. Then bring in something else. maybe..

gotta go now.

2005-08-17T00:00:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to.... ME! :)

2005-08-16T00:00:00.000-07:00

i dont know who will ever come here again, unless u're very interested in me as a person, or u're extremely fateful to have come back to this place. but i know why im back here. i guess what kelly said was right. u cant blog too personal in joint blogs.

i sometimes wonder why do i still think of you sometimes. it has been more than 9 mths since we broke up, and 9 months should have taken away all the memories and painful thoughts and feelings. but i guess it was my first, so im still kinda stuck thinking abt u once in a while. when i see u and ur bf on the picture. i just stared and stoned for awhile, perhaps admiring the both of you as a couple. how i wished im in that place. i think i dont look as terrible in photo now as before. haha. but both of you look good together. i could never have imagined that. but after looking at it for a while, my throat began to swell. my heart began to cry. i should not feel this way. i should not and cannot. its over, and i have to take it in my stride. as i have said in the past, i always think back, on how our relationship was so incomplete, and unfulfilled. i guess whats over is over now. i wish u and david all the best. but why is david so damn tall. haha.

my birthday is on wed! and thats two days from now. i usually celebrate it with a lot of people. for example in pri 6, i invited more than 10 people and went to eat at long johns. in sec1 i invited 20 odd people to tony romas. thanks mum! sec2 was a light meal at crystal jade, as there were exams coming up. and last year, i took 10 odd ruggers to swensens for dinner. however, in each of these dinners, i had never felt the warmth that wld usually engulf the birthday boy or girl on that particular day. i think thats most probably because i hadn invited the right people, those who really cared for me and looked out for me, and those who were my real friends. but frankly speaking, i hadn had great friends till this year.

for this year's birthday treat im inviting my great friends to movie and dinner at marche and maybe ice cream later. kelly's a good friend. rucha's not v close to me but shes a nice person. the same goes for ling too. and ling was the one who had sort of matchmade me and ming? haha. kenneth's my partner for almost every project group, and is a hardworking person, an inspiration in academics in fact, and is very easy-going and has his own sense of humour. I just got to know Leck Hung better recently, and he is also very easy-going, but likes to diao people too much. sometimes i dont enough things to diao him back also. haha. chin ee is a great friend. my neighbour in class, i confide him in many things and we can talk basically about everything. chin ee is also a very very nice guy. kenneth, chin ee, and leckhung have their own weird sense of humour. i feel that i belong in their group. santa's a very honest and nice person, also the deputy head of the discipline board. no matter what i'll invite him. how can i leave him out? mq, i duno why i invited him. maybe cos if kelly's coming and if im only the link between the girls and the guys, then it'll be quite awkward. but mq has been a friend too. i used to go home with him almost every day in sec 2 and 3.

i love u guys. and i think this year's celebration will make me very happy. though its a pity ling and santa has to go early. and leck hung has to miss the movie. anyway the venue's quite posh i heard, though the serving style is quite weird. after dinner we'll go for ice cream! sounds real cool.

im gonna turn in now. im feeling extremely guilty not to have studied for geog or did my chinese compo. haiz..anyway had a great time blogging.

Relink

2005-08-09T11:26:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone. Im opening a new blog with LeckLeck. LOL. Please relink :) Sorry for the inconvenience.

adakadabra

2005-08-08T00:01:00.000-07:00

i've been whining in every single blog entry recently, till date. sorry. but that happens sometimes for everyone. isnt it? so today's gonna be the last time im gonna whine. before leaving all in peace for a long long time. i hope i wont break my promise after that.

i was going insane just now. i was doing stupid things. well u wont want to know what i did.

im still feeling so frustrated. so damned. so screwed. i dont use the f-word now. otherwise it'll be all f-words across the screen. i want to let go. but theres no avenue for me to do so. how do i let go? being stuck in such a house????? being stuck with so much hmwk??? with datelines all drawing near??? this is the only avenue. but its not effective enough. i still need to throw up all i need to throw. shit. where can i do that?

i seriously feel very lonely. f%*$ that sounds like what a girl wld say!??! but i really do. feel. damn. lonely. many boys nowadays have emotional problems. not like in the past, when boys are whipped and whacked until they become stiff. hardened. boys are not superheroes. we cant be emotionally stable without being let or taught how to. well i think im one of those boys classified above. since ever i came to singapore. ive been fending for myself. whenever i felt down, or when i was wronged, or when i felt terribly frustrated, or when i needed help, I CHEER MYSELF UP. actually no. initially i wld torture myself. do stupid things which u wldn want to know. but later on, as i grew older i would give myself REFLECTION LESSONS. i like talk to myself. IWAN. THINGS WILL TURN OUT FOR THE BETTER. MAYBE THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE. YOU ARE ALWAYS WRONG. SO U MUST LEARN FROM IT. u think i like it? no! godamn no. i reflect for myself. i assure myself. i teach myself values. i challenge myself. i push myself in whatever i want to do. sometimes i push too hard i break down. what to do?? each person have their limits at particular stages. whats right whats wrong. i decide for myself. everything its ME ME ME. I DO ALL FOR MYSELF! sometimes people think im proud or dominating. cmon. see for yourself whats the real me. i only want whats best for everyone. but why am i always doing everything by myself?? OH. MAYBE THE SCHOOL CLE PROGRAMME WILL HELP ME. what bullSHIT. oh. u have friends around u. OH. HOW MUCH THEY KNOW ABOUT ME? LOL!!

perhaps im too emotional. u can just read this and throw away what u have read.

i dont know if god will guide me. cos i havent given my heart to Him yet. but i dont want that as a solution. no. no god as a solution. at least not now. but SOMEBODY. SAVE ME WOULD YOU.

or even maybe. im just lovesick. interpret it in any way u wld like to. but dont post things like...relax iwan. chill. everything will turn out for the better. of cos i know. u dun need to tell me. bcos in the end i will tell myself to be optimistc before i go back to normal.

lol. i must be dreaming.. what am i typing..

will that be. that will be.

2005-08-04T23:37:00.000-07:00

actually im sinking deeper and deeper into frustration every day. every time im on my way home from school, i'll feel so damn tired, and so damn sick of everything. and every single day now, i stare at my blue book, then decide what work to do later in school or at home, and which to do first. its like that every single day. stress sia. but nvm. lol. i'll beat it with my optimism. i'll try to motivate myself...like i always do.

wah just now i left my handphone on the bus. i almost died. when i got off the bus, then i realised, EH, somethings missing liao. so i searched around my pockets then did a quick search into my bag. WAH the handphone's really gone. luckily the bus' stil quick near to me...so i chiong to the bus. but initially the uncle thot i wanted to board the bus then we waved me off. lol -.- so then i ran to the next bus stop and told the uncle. "uncle, wo hao xiang ba yi yang dong xi fang zai ba shi shang". the uncle gave me a look. lol. just nice this guy saw my phone and walked forward to give it to me. waHH...close shave

..so what do we have today... SS proposal. supposed to do advanced geog report as well but i figured it will be an impossibility to complete it in 3 hrs or so. for our ss, the main ideas are there already. but have to elaborate super a lot. that is the hard part. cos our teacher actually gave us a very specific guideline, which is very helpful, but also very ma fan. should be able to finish by 1-2am la. stress stress. u noe what we are putting in our ss report. take away PSLE, and let students teach. teachers dont teach anymore. except in early primary schools la. IF this can be implemented...how interesting will it be.

anyway...we have a rugby training session tml. super unexpected. after sucha long break from rugby...u know what, the coach decided we should play a friendly match with a WELSH school next thursday. hows that for a return to rugby. real bomb. haha. but not bad, we finally get to touch the oval ball after touching round balls for so long. lol. =) dont think dirty. will we get thrashed by the welsh school? i think we dont need to think further right. haha

tmrw still got chem remedial. sian. and chinese remedial. the rg curriculum now seems more appealing. they are going have their common tests as the end of this month i heard. is that right? after that, they can slack and do their options (advanced modules) during term 4 if im not wrong. for the whole term, or at least for a majority of the term. i would prefer that man. ours we dont even get to absorb what goes on in advanced modules. cos basically we r too worried with our normal curriculum our advanced gets affected. and what more. i took advanced during june hols, a time when we should all slack and relax. lol. our school's curriculum quite sadistic.

i tell u. u tell me.

2005-08-03T01:15:00.000-07:00

feeling totally wrenched out just now. something to do with my re again. we are so underprepared for the mock presentation tml. i dun feel like presenting alr ah. and once again theres extra burden on my part. im like the coordinator yet not the leader. u know what i mean. im too sian coordinating every single project liao. damn sian. luckily we got things sorted out, and managed to complete a decent powerpoint presentation. since its the mocks,then dun treat it seriously la. might as well just take the opportunity to practise my speech skills. bah

i just realize i still got to complete the advanced geog report tml. i havent started on anything yet. sian... how. haha i feel like dragging it but consider who's marking it...dr chionh. lol. give up the idea man.

yay. theres also ss report to complete by tml. so shiok. more work to do. yay. isnt it like good fun to do lots of work? -.- damn wheres my optimism. somewhere out there. must get it back soon. i might go crazy without it. lol.

how about this..

imagine the feeling of being left alone. feel the emptiness...within you. listen to the sounds...around you. yet u know theres no sound at all. share a joke and laugh heartily with someone next to you. yet u know theres no one out there. cry out in fury...to no one. will u want to feel like that...almost all the time? its something no one wants. because the loneliness is something no one wants to contemplate having. are you feeling lonely? lol. what rubbish.

haiz. er.. im thinking of opening another blog with siew leckleck. then we gonna crap about more stuff. and this blog, will still remain as the blog i crap and bullshit about my life, while the other, will be about any other issues i can think of and express my sentiments about. will that be? that will be. i think of owl. :)

ok great. i havent prepared my script for tmr's presentation. im man. haha why am i using zhenghong's term. prepare now. no, might as well prepare tml. cos im shen. haiz wadever la. i just want to sleep.

i tell u. u tell me. -chandru
lol.

mum im waiting for u to come over.

ciaos ~

2005-08-02T23:50:00.000-07:00

i like the song yi lu xiang bei, one of initial d's soundtracks. its somewhat describing what im feeling now. its like those songs that u listen to after u break up with a gal, then u just sob or break down in silence while listening to this song. and its quite similar to jie kou and ge qian, feeling-wise. sentimental, and nice. u must be saying...cmon u must be kidding, how can guys like u like this typa songs. well i just like it. =P

there r other songs which are quite nice too. examples include jiu shi ai ni (david tao), here with me (michelle branch), and some songs from the never gone album (backstreet boys). wo de ai (stefanie sun) is not bad. and a few of li qiu zhe's songs (former machi guy) are either pleasant or catchy. actually im beginning to listen to a mixture of music now, symphonic, new age, pop, hip hop, rap, techno and so on, perhaps trying to liven up my creative mind. haha. what weird reason is that. okok away from these boring stuff..

shit..i got to prepare for a chinese oral tmr. wah lao its damn difficult to think of things related to sports, character and kobe bryant in chinese. whose fault..?? kenneth.. he and his kobe ideas. should have done on rp instead. mock the weaknesses of rp and make the oral into a comedy of some sorts. that will be funny and nice. now i got to struggle writing about why even though ke bi yi bu lai en te (kobe bryant) was brought to court for a 'qiang jian an' and was 'ban wu jui', its still okay. seems easy la..but aiya for a chinese noob like me it'll be like 'gen pan shan yi yang nan'.

haha i also have my weird ideas coming in this week. im actually thinking of doing the same thing as kenneth, revise the math wkst that kelwyn ng has just gone thru in class every time he finishes with one wkst. then like that the knowledge will not escape from my mind. and also, i think i'll start with my chinese revision at the end of this week. finish 20 ke's from the 4A shou che. phew lucky theres the national day long break coming up, otherwise i'll still be hanging by a thread.

yes math test. haha. there was math test today, and i think i did a-okay. not too bad for one who didn even touch the applications of differentiation supplementary worksheet. this proves that my sec1 shen gong is still alive. haha. k basically what i did was lian gong. sleep early the night before (VERY IMPORTANT!!) and sleep during class the next day before the test. this will enhance preformance during math test, and allow one to think clearly. really..im not bluffing la. u can just look thru the wksts or the assignments, then lian gong, i assure u, u will do a-okay for math. yup, try it.

i think im getting fatter. must the fault of the supper on sunday morning. so i got an exercise schedule coming up. lol. every tue and thur, 10 laps around the track, plus pull-ups, crunches, and sit-ups. and on friday will be bball fest! and now its two meals per day. either lunch or recess. me and my weird plans.

haiz i still have to finish up my chinese oral stuff. catch up soon. ciaos~

ultramarathon!

2005-07-31T10:40:00.000-07:00

wah tired sia. had a little bit of sleep just now, but im still feeling quite lethargic.

it was quite a night at the ultramarathon. the lack of atmosphere during the event was not inspiring, but dr tan's effort and determination did more than pay back for it. at around 11plus to 12 last night, as dr tan was wheeling round the track with slightly over 17 hours left in the marathon, he was doing the rounds at an extremely high pace, at about 1min20-30plus per lap. he looked really determined, and was quite encouraged by the well-wishes offered by the fellow runners around him, including me. :) he slowed down at about 2am, but there was not a slightest sign on his face that revealed that he was going to give up and let everyone down. in his heart was only a mission, complete the crazy marathon. although he was going at a quick pace, i wasnt lagging at all when i ran with him too. :) if im not wrong, i think i did an average of 1min45 per lap for 8 laps after the 2 warm up laps. and hey, this was no easy feat, especially when i havent ran long-d for very long. hehe. i really salute dr tan, the pillar of strength and an epitome of sheer determination and spirit. no one can admit to having a greater amount of rafflesian spirit than him. here i wanna say, dr tan...well done!! :D

k besides the running, we did, at least my class did, more interesting activites than the rest of those present in school. a few of us played basketball at first, then after running for over half an hour, we went to slack in class before going to 7 eleven at J8 to have supper. the pepper chicken that i ate tasted good for an instant meal k. after we went back to school through the abeng route, abeng cos joel had told us there were abengs ambushed somewhere there (haha), we found no abengs waiting for us anywhere. haha. we watched initial d in class after that, before drifting off to sleep..

the turnout in the morning was hardly encouraging. except for the prefects who had been running for the the whole marathon, there were only a few boarding people and jc dudes who hit the track to run with dr tan. it was quite sad, but cant really blame anybody la. then thought kelly was coming so did some math with santa after breakfast at LJ's, but haiya later she said shes not coming liao, so slacked around and waited to see whether the atmosphere will improve. well, it became better towards 1pm, when all the sec2s came to attend the marathon. the emcees at that time was daniel and nicholas. one spoke like he had a flu (sorry daniel..haha), and the other spoke like a gay (sorry nicholas..haha :P). there was hardly anyone we knew, so me and santa decided to ciaoz earlier.

haiz such an event should have better planning in the future la. classes should be called to come down at night all the way till morning, as this is the time when dr tan will need more support. there shouldn be any problems right, cos i dun think parents will complain if this is such an important and historic event, and somemore, for a good cause. and running at 1am was cool. when u start running, u wun want to stop unless ur legs really cant tahan. the weather's so cool man. we should have more of such stuff in the future. :)

alright...so back to home and so back to work. theres math test on tuesday. wad an irritant. but at least theres holiday tml...for me to complete my work. lol. haiz..rp.. rp..

i feel like talking about graduation dinner now. but aiya. next time la. nows time for REST.

anyway, after embarking on a few mad nights without sleep to complete my work, and feeling the side effects of it after wards, i now understand the importance of REST and SLEEP. YEs! They are IMPOrTANT!! haha im sounding quite spastic but its true. they are imporatant. come, let me test u. how much do u know about sleep. heres a website that shows how sleep is important. enjoy.

why sleep is important

night all. :)

stress kills

2005-07-29T22:50:00.000-07:00

i thought i saw her with a guy recently. i felt damn bloody freaking sad and depressed. they look very happy together, and were smiling very sweetly. i just felt damn bloody depressed. shant elaborate anymore.

i've been sitting down here doing nothing, sighing and sighing non stop for the past 1-2 hours. let me describe whats going on in me right now. i cant seem breathe properly. i seem to feel that i have lots of problems waiting for me to solve. my heart feels tangled up. what can work for me now, is for me to leave everything behind, and to sit by the sea or watever to relax and chill. otherwise i can explode anytime. try doing something to irritate me. i'll do something crazy to u in return. haiz..so damn frustrated. :(

had chinese test today. it was actually not as hard as expected for a chinese test, so i was able to sort of cope with it. and thanks to kenneth again, i managed to simplify my learning of chinese before the test. haiz..sigh of relief! at least for chinese test.

we also had this talk on blogging today. well it had me reminded, on what i should and should not do for my blog...especially after i had to remove a post cos i made an unfair criticism on a company (i cant name the company for goodness sake). didn u all notice that i remove a part of my post a few weeks ago? yeah thats cos the company complained against me after they found out that i had posted the company's name online on my blog, and made some comments on them. the lesson to take away. always check the content of ur post!

alright so we have the 24hr marathon tml...im losing my interest in it already la. theres like nothing much to do except to waste time and play soccer or basketball or watch movies. but what i need now is REST. not all these. haha. i'll be around school at 9-10pm, kenneth's mum gonna send us from his home, then we'll play bball with the rest. with whoever whose there la. some consolation. im actually looking forward to doing project and slacking at kenneth's house than to spend the night in school. haiz why like that.

:) alright im feeling better after letting out abit. stress ah...really kills.

song of sadness

2005-07-27T23:28:00.000-07:00

ri lecture was super boring today. could hardly even hear the mr ... speak. man i forgot his name. mr kalahari? should think so. haha i was nodding away thru e whole lecture, and k leong had to wake me up 10 times or so, lest mrs lilian tan who was sitting 1 seat away catches me sleeping. later mr de cruz was even bettert. haha. he didn even ask us to reflect about e talk, and instead just said a few sentences before he left the class. phew luckily he didn ask us to do a reflective writing, otherwise whoa..die liao. but i regretted not being able to listen to e talk. such talks r quite impt actually..

physics pop quiz, then off to bball! played super badly today, missed so many chances. im really gonna improve on the shots tml.. cant stand it when there so many missed shots. after bio remedial we went to kenneth's house to do e ss project. the discussion went quite well and we made good progress.. great : )

im doing greenwave now, finalizing e report and e brochure before submission tml. im still feeling very tired. i really am. nvm what needs to be done has to be done. theres an advance geog brochure to do later as well. haiz..another late late night

falala

2005-07-25T03:56:00.000-07:00

hi.

its not coffee this time. its ocha. yes, the japanese green tea. funnily, its keeping me awake at this time and i dont wish to sleep.

sunday was an empowering day. just as i was feeling moody and unmotivated yesterday, i was the opposite today. basically its just the word. empowered. well went to chc today with kelly and ling to check out the place and the things thats going on in there. man the atmosphere's really very ... empowering. okok change of vocab. very refreshing and sort of warm i guess. it feels like being in a family of sorts. but im still like a child lingering by the side, not sure whether its right to enter the room of uncertainty. but hey, theres really a lot of people in there. mostly teenagers though. and from the activities inside i can see why. its actually quite hyper. but i did enjoy the experience. i'll go there again in a few wks time i suppose.

wah re's sian man. i just completed the 4 page long conclusion to the TCM project, but the whole proj's not finished yet. theres still a bit more left to be completed. otherwise its sort of satisfactory. i hope ms grace wont throw our group out of the window tml. we didn meet the deadline but we did put in a lot of effort k.

yes theres pe later. can get to play some crappy IG game again. wonder whats the game coming up.

okay i think i'll go to sleep now. im still havent yawned tonight yet. haha

okay bye =)

2005-07-23T17:50:00.000-07:00

i dont know why but i cant seem to lift my spirits up. i have no mood to do my work…or to do anything else (im afraid by doing other things, i’ll have less time for work). i know the reasons why im feeling this way now. im sort of feeling..stuck. trapped. i want to go out and feel the world. i want to read books and improve my language. i want to read up on the latest things that are happening around me. most importantly, i want to do things, without worrying about not being able to finish my work. i need space, but i cant bear to create this space if my mind is still elsewhere.

i read zhenghong’s blog recently. e same is happening for me as for him. why is it that its only me who drive the whole project forward all the time. not a lot for the other projects like greenwave and ss. the ss group is shen. but im specially referring to e re (research education) group. see, i am the only one who plans the whole huge project, to assign tasks, to plan the schedule which sadly, the other group members dont follow, to call for meetings...not only that, i am only confident of the work that i produce, not that of others, cos im so not confident that the rest can produce work good enough to be called good. pls dont misunderstand me. im not saying that e other group members r useless. but the point is...the members always seem so distracted during meetings and they always give very vague solutions to the obstacles that we face. i dont want to keep picking up the bits and pieces that e others can manage and complete. what i yearn is for a group that can work cohesively. to ensure that we use time effectively, so that we wont need to toil and overwork ourselves when we can actually rest or do other things. i am utterly disappointed. i really am. in such tiring and hard times like now, why cant people do things with more maturity? and cmon. we are ri. like what headmaster said, we are the creme de la creme. think critically and dont show or give bullshit.

cmon guys. lets just finish the whole damn thing and do it well.

sorry for whining. but i really need to say all these out.

dr william tan's marathon! =)

well our class is running from 1-1.30am. how cool's that. imagine the wind blowing and u just run...and run..and run. i like that feeling. =) then we're gonna stay overnight in a classroom. man i'll just take the time to talk to people, and to enjoy myself. i hope the rest can enjoy themselves too. slacking and not doing anything is some form of enjoyment too right. haha. lets hope it doesnt rain. if it rains, its gonna be so much of a spoiler. and let this be an empowering experience...a motivating experience.

these crazy weeks

2005-07-23T15:42:00.000-07:00

it has been a very stressful week. im already half dead. and there're more of such weeks that are to come.

i seriously cant believe it, that the tests will conducted just when we're finishing our projects. to mention a few examples, e deadline for the SS proj, as well as the Chinese website, is on week 6. and the deadline for the RE report is on week 5. coincidentally higher chinese test is on week 5 friday and math test is on week 6. wah how to study. its not whether i can get those strong marks, but whether i can survive thru these siaosiao weeks. i can already feel myself feeling weaker by the day. but i'll get thru it somehow. i definitely will.

there are so many things that i want to do but i dont. i always try not to tempt myself and escape from reality. playing bball once in a while though helps take away some stress. i find myself working extremely hard, perhaps doing things are not beneficial to my own health. all the late nights and those few nights that i had gulped down coffee so that I can complete all the required work without sleeping a single bit aint good for my health at all. but i do blame myself partly for it. i did spend time staring at nothing and waste away the time when i can try to focus and complete the tasks. but hey, life seems so suffocating, we cant blame ourselves for doing such things to completely take our minds off isnt it? and seriously, all the things that im doing now, its all done mechanical cos everything has got to be rushed. i always feel the excitement in doing e particular tasks at the start but afterwards the interest in that wears off. i really hope everything will go well. i also expect a lot from myself these coming weeks. only e overcoming of obstacles can make me stronger.

life seems so rigid, so pressing. i can definitely walk this journey alone. but sometimes i also wish for somethine extra, for there to be someone that i can call and talk to. to tell all the crap and bullshit thats going on in my life, and to celebrate all the high points im experiencing. but who knows when will that someone ever come.

wake me up when september ends...

Adrenalised Passion

2005-07-20T23:46:00.000-07:00

tuesday. school and basketball.
wednesday. school and basketball.
today. school.

im not complaining.

haha its kinda weird to see basketball there right. its like im supposed to be a rugger-soccer person, not a bball one. but kenneth has been influencing me with his jordan and kobe stories. i was so fascinated by them i decided bball is indeed a great game. bball has taken over me. how??

so this new love started with me playing agst raywen all. then after that it was personalized training with kenneth. i was staying back after school to do my work, before we proceeded to shoot hoops afterwards. as usual, ambitious me went on to shoot the 3s, and in the end as expected, almost every ball went everywhere except for the net. but i was slowly improving, i was delighted. =)

man now im even thinking of joining basketball training. am i getting too serious too soon with my new darling? i hope not. but i m seriuosly comtemplating to join trng. partly cos i can keep fit before rugby training starts again la. but will i love bball too much that i'll dump rugby? well we'll see about that. [=

so i have started reading the book on how to speak good english. and its quite good ya. very interesting. i think im able to speak more clearly, and place more emphasis on the words i want to emphasize. thats great. totally great. =)

oh yeah anyway im going orchard on saturday to do my advanced geog project. what am i going to do?? im gonna...count how many people walk past me. hahaha. how cool's that. 1..2..3..then suddenly..45678910 people. haha cool. anyway i cant possibly do this mission alone. is anyone willing to lend me a helping hand?

irony irony. so ironical..

man what am i talking about.

Hello Projects

2005-07-18T03:58:00.000-07:00

hi....

what time is it now?? 3.30 am?? i just drank coffee at 12.45, so maybe that explains e energy available left for work. but i dont know whether i should sleep now. should i sleep?? no..that gives me only 2 hrs of sleep...anyway sleeping now means sleeping in class later. if i dont, at least i am able to keep my eyes open and at least, stare ahead later on. what shld i do? haiz..i reall dont. know. man.

i was discussing the issue of moving out with mum just now. mum is a very open person. i mean she just doesnt dismiss the idea and dump it aside. instead she will assess it, and check whether it's a good and feasible. just like the effective thinkers of now. but till now we havent got a solution yet. its very extermely superbly conflicting. cos its not only the future factors that u need to consider, even the people's feelings plays an important role in ensuring whether i move. im sure u know what im talking about right. people's feelings vs moving on.. yep. however, based on my character, i think i know which direction i'll move into soon.

i just looked around at others' blogs. comparing their lives with mine, mine is totally a bore. i wish i can have more colour in my life sometimes. will that be possible...especially when u prefer freedom after everything's done? nevertheless a lil' extra...i guess, will make things much more of an experience. haha i shant hint anymore.

did e coffee i drink contain lots of caffeine (i dont dare to name the brand alrd)? im still running at full power and im totally amused with it. ok now theres only 1 and half hrs time left before shower. i think i'll just do more of my english before packing my bag.

tata. signing off now. =]

Hello Projects

2005-07-18T00:48:00.000-07:00

hello yesterday's sunday. time for rest! =]

haha..

i must be joking right. i am. actually the whole day was practically spent on one single ss project.

we went to kenneth's house in the morning, planing to brainstorm on our ss project. and i was even more ambitious. i thought we were able to complete the report today. but it didn happen of course. we just spent the whole time defining our focus and planning out the steps to be taken. nevertheless, the planning done was very effective..very to-the-point. after working with so many project groups, this is the best ever formed. consisting of me, kenneth, chin ee and yi kai...the teamwork and most importantly, the chemistry between everyone was extremely evident. chemistry reminds me of ms low. lol ok...nvm. =] okay so as i was saying, the discussion was very fluent, and all the uncertainties were dealed with very quickly. man..i think we were quite impressed with ourselves as well. i've got this feeling we'll do very well for the ss proj. so lets make sure it happens! =]

i need to go for gym sessions soon. my muscles are practically non-existent.

well i havent got anymore to say for now. maybe i'll update later.

Friday Rain

2005-07-15T23:38:00.000-07:00

something shocking happened today.
man...i never expected that it will happen to me. its like...who will ever expect to get it.

well. i have to be more careful in posting entries now. not only me. everyone. please be careful in what u write. =|

ordered newsweek today! haha and guess what i got from it. a free book on english vocab and another one on speaking good english. i was very interested in the book on speaking, not only me but also kenneth, as it seems as though it can help us improve our conversational abilities and our ability to put ideas across during presentations.and i hv read thru the first few parts of it. really good.. =]

i was playing basketball this afternoon when the rain came. at first it was drizzling but it became heavier later on. haha considering how bad i am at basketball, and also the people who were playing (raywen, aaron, qing yuan...the gang), i did quite okay la. haha =) but i realized how much more often i've been playing bball these days, away from the usual soccer. must be kenneth's influence.. hmm.

so its open hse tml! im sort of looking forward to it, as i like talking and smiling to people, and lots of lots of people. hope people will have a good impression of R.I. anw the upgraded R.I looks great from i can see from the mapping and drawing on the large board. cool boarding complex la, and that new class room block. there is also to be such a thing as Raffles Square that will be build at the now main carpark area. everything looks cool. hope it will be the exact same thing when the construction finishes. but i wont be here to enjoy the future facilities la.. haiz. how sad.

gotta go now. have to sleep early for open hse.

=]

BeLiEvE yOu CaN sUcEeD - WiLL TaN

i like to move it

2005-07-14T22:05:00.000-07:00

im still quite lethargic today. part of me's tired, and part of me's frustrated. frustrated cos im hvn been able to do more work today.

anyway nothin much happened today. i was actually thinking of subscribing to newsweek. haha i duno what came over me, but since last week, ive been quite interested in world news, news like the london bombings, pakistani crash and any other news. in the past, i used to only read e sports section b4 shutting the newspaper. now, this seems weird. what am i turning into... a...? i dont know how to describe it la haha.

i dont think any other interesting thing happened. im gonna finish editing the interclass soccer proposal before submitting to e pe dept tml. then...gonna put up the ss schedule for the proj team. also the re schdule for the re team. i hope i can salvage my re. this year's re for me hasnt been very outstanding, i didnt even expect it to turn out this way. lets hope next yr's PW can be done well.

im feeling so sleepy.. i think i just realized smthn. if we work too hard, we will go down deeper later on (in terms of energy level). let me try to turn it around.

soccer!

we have a game agst 4F tml! hope it doesnt get cancelled. its very exciting when u know that youre gonna get back to the pitch playing with your frens again, after not being able to play regularly for so long. i still recall the days back in sec2. i would skip recess and lunch for almost the whole day, just to play soccer with the class. but thats why we won interclass in sec2. we had lots of play time. and we were very happy then. soccer was like the only thing in our minds in school. i also rmb the time when i scored the goal in the semifinal and final of the competition. will i be able to bring my class that far this time? i hope so =]

haiz i think i'll get back to work. im feeling much more motivated now.

Where r u daniel?

2005-07-14T00:15:00.000-07:00

i feel so useless today. i dont know why...but ive been staring at the computer and making changes to the music playlist, and doing nothing other than plan for my english essay. as the clock continues to tick, im becoming increasingly frustrated, feeling extremely disappointed with my performance today. maybe im getting a burnout. its bound to happen. well ive been averaging 2 and 1/2hrs of sleep for the past 10days, trying to finish my work earlier. lets just hope i can do more tml. sian man. =(

wah i saw her at bishan today. as usual, i dont know what to say, what to do, and where to look to. its not as if i was so excited until i became like that. its not as if i mei you lian jian ren, but i just dont know how to face her. all the wrong was supposed to be on her side. but i felt so stupid for my past deeds that i didn dare do anything.

im going to learn driving soon. look. how time flies. if nothing goes wrong, i should be able to get my driving license at the end of the year, and thereafter i'll be able to drive my mum and sis around jakarta! sounds really exciting. haha =]. just hope i dont crash into some poor bajai driver in indonesia. hahaha =D

i miss the bishan gay. where have u been!? i miss the times when u used cut holes through the newspaper to look at the boys at Junction 8. i think the people in bishan and ri miss you too. where are you???

ri open house on sat. as usual, i got volunteered to be the I/C of my group of registrars. im really gonna slap james hill e next time i see him. so...we got to pack the registration packs tmr and on friday. all these tiring stuff does bore me. given a choice, i will go home to work on my ss proj. but like what ms jaq sim likes to say, no banana! so yea no banana. =)

so now im gonna return to my work. or put it this way. im gonna continue contemplating whether i shld continue. haii so ma fan. i think i'll just sleep la.

..k

nite. =]

Ballz and Inspiration

2005-07-12T23:59:00.000-07:00

...lets say we cut the penis into half...

ouch. and that was what exactly what lilian tan said today. for e guys, its felt uncomfortable when she said that isnt it. haha. like..."the doctor will insert a metallic thing into the penis to enlarge the passageway" doesnt sound nice and exciting. haha but thats mrs tan made everything sound so biological we actually took all these quite seriously. well did we learn new things today. =]

yesterday...

we had a talk in the hall in the morning during assembly and the speaker was indeed very inspiring. though i missed the first half of the show due to a briefing, but i could see he could really engage the audience and bring his points across. he was very encouraging and somehow, was able to bring life to the students who were all like half dead. man hes some pro. so everybody was like sitting up straight looking at Dr William Tan, looking very attentive. Dr Tan was from ri, and was a harvard and oxford graduate (haha i hvn heard wrongly right) and also a medical student. and he managed to perform surgery in medical school even with his physical disability. this is indeed incredible. wad more, he participated in marathons (wheelchair ones) in places like boston and antartica, breaking records in the process. though he looked physically small when he sat on his wheelchair, never at one time did he looked small. he was very prominent and proved to be an inspiration for everyone, the students and teachers alike. i kind of admired his spirit and energy. so much so i bought 2 of his posters, one for mum and the other of cos, for myself. haha. and i heard we're (all 3 raffles schools) gonna participate in a marathon soon right, arnd the ri track before the ri track gets torn down. well it sounds quite interesting. imagine urself running around the track during midnight. thats quite sensational i must say (for me). dont ask me but im looking forward to it. i bet many ppl are too! =]

i had been feeling so tired for the past few days. but keep going i said to myself. cos there are many things u need to achieve! never in my life have i been so focussed. but ironically, focussed in many things. guess what, theres cecc class cleanliness checks to handle, interclass soccer to launch, interhouse soccer and rugby to manage, grad dinner to coordinate(soon), re to finish, and the 3 or 4 other projs still left to be done. i think im gonna ki siao soon. hahaha. luckily, i have been able to manage all these, and excel, so far. and i really have to credit my own optimism for it. without my optimism, i think i would have stared into the ceiling and waited for death. and definitely, it will not be possible without the support and friendship of e ppl around me. special mention goes to kenneth and chin ee (who's still in germany..hehe), mum, and anybody else. you guys sure have helped me alot. =]
....
oops! i seem to be giving a thanksgiving speech here. haha =))

anw lets hope everyone can enjoy greater success in his or her future. and to everyone! work hard!

...

hope to give him a call soon.

WILLpower

Brand New Blog

2005-07-10T23:20:00.000-07:00

hi all

apologies for not posting anything in the past few weeks. really sorry.

for the past few weeks, i had been quite busy working on every single piece of work i can lay my hands on. all the work...stressing sia. many a time i wanted to run to the headmaster's office to blurt out all the complains i can think of..but aiya, i can possibly do it myself even if i want to right. haiz. back to work.

k first things first. let me update you on my june hols.

ah..it seems to be so far away huh. like its only how many weeks gone. 2? Anw was back in indonesia in june attending my cousin's wedding. the wedding was like woah. freaking grand. how many invites were sent out? 1500! That comes up to a an approx total of like 3000 ppl. woah. hows that for a single wedding dinner. simply awesome. i can make do with that too. =]

anyway so i came back, with a refreshed head and soul. the trip back really gave me lots of breathing space, lots of time to think back and look forward. someone helped me recall my past, and gave me loads of advice on the future. im thankful for that. shall see u again soon. like say in a few days time? =] and i finally got closer to my mum. finally, and that was 16 years after she gave birth to me, before i ever felt her love. hope u dont get too tired out mum. i wont forget u when i grow up. i'll heed marwan's advice.

and i thought i can remain clear after i started school. and i did, at least for the first wk for the record. after that, all the work...simply just sank me down more n more into fatigue. i hope i wont get any more sickness soon. after finding out i dont have my perfect eyesight. hope i wont get to wear specs soon. haiz.

move on to happier things! interclass soccer! and who is the i/c for interclass soccer??? who else but..me. haha =] this is called mei shi zao shi loh. but what to do. how can i not put my hands up to volunteer. soccer's my life man. haha we have bensen n kenneth kong as MCs for e event. we'll have a good laugh for sure. =D

so now. 5 projects left. gonna chiong thru all this coming weeks. late nights and late nights. but its worth it. at least i can study for O level HMT later on. -.-

dada tts all for now. gonna update asap. anw sorry for not posting ya. im really v v sorry. u can slap me if i do that again. =P

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM! TMR'S UR BIG DAY!!! Muakz..